Finding a new bubble after so many have been burst!

So... many, many people who we used to be super close to have "dumped" us within the last year because we "aren't happy" anymore or "y'all just aren't the old James and Rachel"... well after having your heart RIPPED out after so much hope and love was built up after years, we aren't going to be the same for a very long time if ever. We want people to know that we didn't choose to become such awful, unhappy people; it just happened due to the circumstances, and we are trying, but it takes a while to heal from the wound of -we really thought after so many years we were finally going to be parents, but now your eggs are all jacked up and you're not going to be parents-disease. So, we are hopefully on a road to healing... the only thing is, that road could go many different directions! 

Most of you know our struggle to start a family has been a very, very, rough, tough and long road. We have been trying for 5 and a half years now with no success. We went through a year and a half of hard core fertility treatment through Texas Fertility Center in Austin. We did all you could do with the last procedure being in vitro fertilization. The morning of our transfer surgery, our doctor came into the operating room, and I knew right away something was wrong... After thousands of dollars, tons of tears, hearts full of hope and emotions on high, he said that he had not so good news: the eggs that had been "perfect" two days earlier where now all degenerated and there was not a single one worth implanting, but he was going to go ahead and implant the 3 that were the least damaged. Of course, two weeks later I had to do the blood test to test for pregnancy even though I already knew what the results would be. Sure enough, the nurse called and you could hear the heart ache in her voice... 

That was February of 2010... it took this long for us to even consider going to get a second opinion or to even think about it again. I thought that I, the smart, fun, outgoing Rachel Matus, would jump right back on the horse and continue to ride, but this Rachel Matus lost a lot of herself... James was dealing with his own heartache while trying to be supportive and uplifting. It was very, very tough for him because he was trying to find answers and accept what had happened and deal with his emotions while also having to take care of me at my absolute lowest of lows! So, today we had our appointment for a second opinion with Dr. Wincek at Scott and White in Temple. Well, last night James and I got into a pretty bad argument because our emotions were crazy high again. I wanted to try to stay very positive about today, and because we haven't talked a whole lot about the whole baby thing lately, James and I weren't on the same page so it led to a very upsetting argument on both of our parts. But, we decided to go ahead and go just to put our minds at ease. James doesn't want to see me hurt all over again and have to go through all of the pills and self-injections so he was ready to just pursue adoption... I'm just not ready to give up having my own biological child just yet. So, to make a long appointment short, Dr. Wincek really didn't know where to start, but while we are figuring that out, he wants me "back in the game" so he put me on Chlomed. He thinks that my eggs are very possibly full of genetic abnormalities and will never carry a baby to full term, or that my eggs need to be fertilized outside of the uterus but put right back in because they don't care for the lab setting. So... we got some not very great news which was pretty disappointing, but at least we got some answers. He told us stuff that we NEVER heard at our doctor in Austin. So, we will talk more at my next appointment on May 31. Overall, we were pretty pleased with our appointment, and we both really liked Dr. Wincek!

Now, that was a long, lot of information so I'm not going to say much more. I'm still job hunting... unfortunately I'm in my deer stand and there isn't a dad gum deer anywhere to be found! I had an interview last Wednesday, and I'm really hoping it works out, but I won't know for several weeks.

Also, some of you knew that I was doing the stem trial for the permanent spinal stimulator device implant. Well, once I figured it out and got used to the crazy tingling feeling, it really helped out, so we are waiting to get an appointment from the doctor that will do the implant surgery. It won't make the pain go away, but if I can get off or greatly decrease all the narcotics I'm on, I'll be one happy camper!!! And, I wish I could say something sooooo bad, but James got an amazing phone call that he has been waiting on for quite sometime this afternoon!!! Once it's official, I'll definitely let you know. I will say that I am very, very proud of my Jamesy!
I'm SOOOO super ready for summer this year! It's really hard to continually stay motivated to work for a place where it seems like I'm so strongly unwanted! Luckily, my principal and coworkers from my campus are very, very supportive, and that has helped tremendously!!!

James is doing his "man-ly" house work stuff now that the weather is nice. He and dad are working on redoing our back porch, and he is really enjoying that because he likes to spend time with dad and learn things at the same time. He actually enjoys doing that kind of house stuff now that we have a house to be proud of. 

Well, word to yo motha... Bahahahaha! No, for real, love all y'all! Find a little positive in every situation you are in. Sometimes that positive may take a long time to show itself, but the positives are what keep us trucking along!

The definition of fair...

The definition of fair is: free from injustice. The definition of injustice is: unjust or unfair action or treatment. "It isn't fair!" We hear it all the time. I hear it from my students ALL the time. I have said it recently, and it makes me SO mad when people tell me, "Well, life isn't fair!" I tell that to my kids all the time, but that's because they wanted the pink marker and someone else took it! They aren't saying it because their jobs have gone down the drain or they are unable to have children which is their ultimate dream. Life isn't fair, and just be patient because God has a plan for you are the two statements that I probably hate the most these days. Tell me what is fair about James and I not being able to be parents! Tell me why God has put me and James through so much medical frustration and heartbreak with all aspects of our lives. And, to get off of the selfish boat: Tell me what is fair about a  high school friend of mine losing his dad to cancer before he got to meet his first grandchild. Tell me what is fair about a 3 year old girl celebrating her 3rd birthday at Cook's Children Hospital because she is receiving medical treatment for leukemia. I know these aren't things that people want to hear, but they are things that I think in my head ALL the time! So, if ya hate me now because of these things... well, I got nothing ;)

To put the positive spin on all of this, all of our unfair happenings and obstacles really make us realize the things that we DO have. The definition of awesome is: inspiring complete awe. Tell me how awesome it is that I have a mom and a dad that I know are the ABSOLUTE most bestest parents in the entire world! Tell me how awesome it is that we have a 4 year old niece who can put a smile on our faces without even saying a word. Tell me how awesome it is that we both have family that we can count on any day, any hour, any minute, any second in this crazy world! Tell me how awesome it is that my amazing cousin and best friend Kimster and her hubby Timster (who I now love to about the Casa Ole in Bellmead... this is an inside joke!) are pregnant and have been SO patient and understanding of me during this emotional time in our family! Tell me how awesome it is that I have my ugly Peechoo to lean on like all sisters dream of being able to do! Tell me how INCREDIBLY awesome it is that James and I have each other... I just can't nor do I want to imagine my world without him in it.

So, why can't people say, "Life is full of unfair's and awesome's, so hang in there and you'll get your awesome!" Yea... I like that! 

To close, I know that there is always someone who has it worse than I do. I just have a hard time realizing that sometimes, and I know that's selfish, but I do take time to be thankful for all of my "awesomes." 

Love y'all!

Oh Days LIke Today...

So, the following is what I was going to post back on Thursday, March 10, but I couldn't finish it, but I figured it was good, so I'll post it now and follow it with today's blog...

March 10, 2011
Days like today would probably make just about anyone want to crawl under a rock and never come out... No one deserves a day like I've had. Days like today make me SO thankful for the people in my life that surround me with love, support and encouragement when I need them. Why do some men feel it absolutely necessary to intimidate and rule with such power??? Then, why do they expect women like me to be stupid and just tuck my tail between my legs and not ask questions??? It's hard to earn my respect and trust, but a man who I really appreciated and respected and admired lost ALL respect from me today. Now I'm just a mess because I want to know how I'm expected to continue giving all of myself to something that doesn't have a place for me anymore. I'm hurt, devastated and mad, and I was wronged. 
Now the positives out of the situation: I often want to stand up for myself, but I often chicken out... Not today! I made my daddy proud! I went in with what I was going to say, and I said it. Even through tons of tears and anger, I was pretty proud of myself! The other positive was that there really are people who care about me. I knew that people liked me and tolerated me, but today, people really showed their emotion, love and caring tears. I truly have an amazing network of "work peeps." 
With all of this said, once again I'm left wondering why life has to keep throwing obstacles in our path... It doesn't make sense to me at all. I know obstacles is a part of life, but not this many. I don't care what people say, God has really given us too much to carry at times. I sure hope the weight on my shoulders is eased... And sooner would be better!

The Beginning of the Blogging: It begins with LOVE...

Welcome to our blog! James and I decided that he would let me do a blog in hopes that maybe I could relieve some frustration from the what seems like daily mishaps in our life! We also decided to do it in hopes that our trials could help others, or others could help with our trials!
If you know anything about us, you know that the past 4 to 5 years have not given us a break... we have been put through the ringer! All of our loved ones continually tell us to keep the faith, keep praying, and never lose sight of Him. We have done this, but we have had many yelling matches with Him as well. As my mom told me tonight though, he can handle being yelled at ever so often! 
From health issues to medical bills stemming from the health issues to job issues for us both to random mishaps here and there to trying to start a family, we have not had the best of luck. What we do have though: the LOVE of each other and our families. LOVE is the reason that we keep trudging along each and every day... LOVE is what motivates us to get up each morning and do the best we can... LOVE is what brought us together in the first place! 
We just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary (3/4/06) and our 11 year anniversary of our "would you be my girlfriend" day. I started dating James when I was 15, and most would think that our relationship would be doomed because we were so young... Our relationship has never been as strong as it is now. Our LOVE is the glue that keeps us together! 
There are so many things that I could talk about, but I will save those things for later posts! Hopefully I'll get this all figured out, and people can actually start following us!
By the way, James wants me to write a book of our lives so far because of all the crazy things we have been through... maybe the blog will lead to me getting started on that --- (wink, wink)